A Riddle!

A riddle: What happens when you graduate from college, have loans to pay back, rent to pay, and bills bills bills?

Answer: You move home.

I've been back to the beginning for two months now and can say with honesty that now, finally, I am okay with it. For awhile ...

But I think the reason for this settled feeling stems from seeing an end to it all. For a month there, I was absolutely cluesless as to what I wanted to do. I needed a change, but felt disoriented and unable to make the first step. My body responded to this uncertainty by having panic attacks pretty regularly. I had one at work, where I was ringing a customer up and I could barely mutter the price of her book without bursting into tears. I was a mess.

Now that I've applied for some promising jobs and can actually visualize a future for myself--independent of my parents--I know it's going to be okay.

But it wasn't always like that.

There were entire days, weeks, where I couldn't stand being in my body. I berated myself continually, thinking that I was a failure for having to move home after trying to make it with a full-time job paying rent in the city. When loans kicked in, I could not. But that didn't make it okay. Moving home for me was much less painful than for most: my supportive parents gave me my own bedroom and even donated the sunroom as a space for me to practice yoga every day. They gave me space and don't pressure me.

Still, the percieved failure and my inability to foresee a future was paralyzing. I couldn't stand the thought of settling in at home. I had a life to live! Great things to accomplish! But finances strangled me.

Depression set in. There's nothing worse than a total lack of motivation. I started to forget what I loved to do. I forgot what made me happy. I forgot how to be happy.

After weeks of this desperation, trying and trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why I couldn't just be okay in stillness, I knew that I had to change my outlook. Telling myself that my living situation was not acceptible had made it unbearable. I had to get my perception back into shape.

I was not going to revert to medication this time. My anxiety and depression from the past had beome manageable for awhile on meds, but then they came back. My doctor's solution was to up my dosage. I hate the idea of medication. I needed to find the root of the problem and irradicate it from there, not cover it up with happy-pills.

I started practicing yoga every day again. My practice had dwindled and stopped over the months post-graduation. I started watching my thought patterns. Each negative self-statement ("I'm boring;" "I'm unmotivated;" "I'm freaking out...") was countered by a positive statement ("I am an engaging, thoughtful and loving person;" "I am passionate;" "I'm experiencing a little anxiety right now, but it will pass..."). The practice of countering negative statements was painfully slow, but slowly it began to work. I kept track of what I was eating, being sure to get enough fruits, vegetables, and protein. This, I assure you, was a full-time job.

So here I am now, about four weeks after the initial desperation, anxiety attacks, and depression. I've just applied for two new jobs that would allow me to supplement my bookstore income. I'm excited again, looking forward to projects and writing again. I just got a small article published on the Reiki Animal Source website. Baby steps.

I think the most important thing for me to remember is to keep my Sanity Practices going. If nothing else, yoga every day. My boundless energy tends to get me into trouble, wearing me down eventually. My Sanity Practices keep me in check.