... A Few of my Favorite Things ...

There have been three books that I've recently become acquainted with, and they have given me lots of awesome thoughts to chew on. The first, The Key Muscles of Hatha Yoga, by Ray Long, details the anatomy of various yoga poses. My mom and dad sent it to me yesterday for my birthday, and I read half the book on the first night. It's an incredible tool for teachers and students of yoga because it gives visuals of what is happening in the body during the asanas. Already, as I practice, I see and feel the muscles differently--more accurately and in more detail than ever before. Also, the website provides incredible 360 degree diagrams of a great number of poses. It's a great tool for teachers and students of yoga. Definitely check it out if you're interested in yoga and/or understanding the body.



The Ayurvedic Cookbook by Amadea Morningstar gives readers a checklist to determine their "dosha" or constitution--it be Kapha, Pitta, or Vata--and then gives fantastic recipes that fit each of the constitutions. This is a way to eat right for your Whole Self. This book is opening up an entirely new world for me: I usually hate cooking and never really learned how to do it. However, in this frame of knowing that I'm creating dishes that are best suited to my body, I'm actually excited about making dinner! It's one way of holistic healing that I'm really getting into, and The Ayruvedic Cookbook is the perfect introduction to this new way of looking at health.



My sister, Katie, gave me Guided by the Moon by Johanna Paungger and Thomas Poppe a number of years ago when she and I went through what we called a "moon phase." I have been looking at it on and off since then, and recently, I've been almost obsessively reading into its folksy and astrological wisdoms. It is a comprehensive guide to living life according to the phases of the moon--with advice on what days to get a haircut, when to soak the feet, when the hips or stomach will be extra sensitive, when to avoid eating salts, to name a few. From what I have noticed, many of its explanations have been correct. I've noticed that my body's rhythms are very much related to the lunar cycle, and the more that I read, the more I am convinced that there are great forces at work on all of our bodies. Even if you are a skeptic, this book is fun to refer to, and helps foster greater self-awareness, if nothing else.

Turning 25

Happy Birthday to Me!

On December 14, 2009, I will reach a quarter-century in age.

I'm a college graduate, turning 25, living in a cabin in the woods, barely making my loan payments each month, with no phone reception unless I drive fifteen miles into an open field and park just-so in between two trees ... and I couldn't be happier.

A lot of my friends I've spoken with lately are struggling with ideas like FINANCIAL STABILITY, getting A REAL JOB, affording HEALTH INSURANCE, finding a way to USE THEIR DEGREE, trying to MAINTAIN FREEDOM, figuring out what kind of LIFESTYLE they want to live ... some of my girlfriends approaching their thirties are beginning to freak out because they haven't found A GOOD MAN and they feel they are running out of time because they need to START HAVING BABIES (yikes!)! This is certainly the time to do this type of deliberating.

Fortunately, I feel that I'm in a secure, supported place as I break into my quarter century of life. From what I can gather through various experiences, think I've figured out some general guidelines for myself regarding how to be--and stay--fulfilled.

1. KNOW YOUR PASSION
This is not an easy thing to do. Sometimes it takes therapy. Sometimes it takes quitting a job that I'm very, very comfortable with, sometimes it takes trying something new, sometimes it takes teaching something I know to somebody else. It takes meditation and journaling and inner digging, searching and searching and feeling utterly lost sometimes. Persistence, never giving up until I find what it is that fulfills me.

2. DO YOUR PASSION, EVERYDAY, NO MATTER WHAT
No excuses. Find a way to do it. Wake up a bit earlier. Get a job that incorporates it. If it's still impossible, I imagine myself doing my passion so that I am spending energy making it real.

I spent four years at a writing school because I knew Writing was my passion. Sitting behind a computer obsessively and spending so much time in my mind and not in my body drove me to another passion: Yoga. That still took place (mostly) indoors, and I still wasn't fulfilled until I moved outside and found Horses again. It took years for me to realize my passions, but once found, things have been unfolding for me in amazing ways.

3. RECOGNIZE THE POWER OF INTENTION, AND USE IT!
When I was very depressed, about this time last year, my therapist told me to write--in as much detail as possible--a description of my ideal life. She said, "Describe where you're living, who your friends are, even a description of what your ideal man is like." I read over that journal entry the other day, and was amazed at what I found there: I had written that I was living in a place very close to nature, I was riding horses every day, I was surrounded by friends who loved and supported me, I was working at a job in the outdoors, I'd met a very athletic, attractive, outdoorsy-adventure-loving guy who was taller than me, very fit but not too muscley, had big lips and a short beard (yes, I went into that much detail). And I dated that guy last Spring. For those of you who don't know, that was my life over the past three seasons.

Every few months, I return to this useful exercise: I write down the details of my ideal life. It changes about that often, so it's useful to do this frequently. Then, for about a week (or however long I feel I need to), I read that journal entry first thing when I wake up in the morning. And then it comes true!

4. TAKE CARE OF YOUR BODY/MIND
Here's a cultural strangeness: many people I know feel that they need to put others' needs before their own,-- the expense of their own needs. Especially women. While outwardly this may seem like a selfless, positive quality, it's really self-sabotage. The only way we can serve the world (our family, our friends, the community) is if we are secure and actualized in ourselves first. Then we will be equipped to help others in the best way possible.

Putting others' needs before one's own is often a convenient excuse to avoid self-study: "Oh, I don't have time to exercise or meditate; I have kids/dogs/a husband/school/friends who need me/fill-in-the-blank." Gandhi says "As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world--that is the myth of the atomic age--as in being able to remake ourselves." I like this idea.

5. OFFER YOUR GIFTS TO THE WORLD
Once I feel that I'm living as my true self, it becomes easier and hugely fulfilling to give to others. I'm aligned for it; I have energy and it becomes a joyful process. Whether that's teaching kiddos to ride horses for the first time, teaching someone how to listen to their breath, or just being there to listen to a friend. It comes easily and naturally, and fulfills me in a bigger way than anything else.


It seems to me that these guidelines apply to people at any stage in life. Passions change--that's important to remember. So someday, perhaps, my passion will shift toward making babies (as of now, I highly doubt it, but I'm open to it), and then I will align my life accordingly. It's when we don't live by our heart's innermost desires that we become unhappy, full of anxiety, and depressed.

So as I turn 25, it is my hope that you, me, and everyone we know, make the decision to live by our heart's desires, to find our passions, and to realize them each day. Happy quarter-century.

My Wardrobe

Since C. I’ve been exploring love as though it were a wardrobe. Pieces of clothing, shirts or slacks I could pull from a hanger and try on for a while.

When I tried C. on, he fit perfectly. We were comfortable. We tried on different brands of happiness together. I relaxed into a cozy trust in the universe. Things felt natural, preordained, like destiny was casually fulfilling itself.

Until I opened the door to my armoire one day and found that everything had vanished. All gone, not a single unpaired sock was left. There was no explanation.

Since him, I’ve been somewhat desperately searching for the right thing to wear.

When I found myself stepping into a new relationship, it began to define me. With N., I donned pants with zippers and spiked my hair and had a dog chain with a lock around my neck. I’d almost convinced myself that the clothes fit.

Or F., who I wore like a banner, a political shirt that read "LOOK WHO I’M FIXING, LOOK WHO I’M MAKING INTO A BETTER PERSON..." and then in small print: "SO THAT I CAN BE DISTRACTED FROM MYSELF." His was the hardest outfit to peel off.

I didn’t put on much with Y. I wore the hat he crocheted for me just to humor him, just for the summer, for fun. It stayed light. I gained confidence from his easy adoration, the way he showered me with bracelets, things he'd made with his hands. We stayed on the surface, saw ourselves from the outside. But when we started to look deeper, beneath some layers, I found that his fabric was fundamentally different than what I needed.

With K., I went naked, displaying my body as though I'd found it for the first time. He helped me to discover myself in a way I'd not thought to look before. And, as I changed into myself, he left. I felt stripped; he'd taken some of my beautiful nakedness with him. We stayed friends, but for so long, I didn't know how to see myself without him.

Forever I searched for the perfect fit. As though somehow finding the right outfit, the right guy, would complete me. I have finally made the space, now, in my closet, for other articles ... I am beginning to stock it with things like yoga mats, riding boots, camping supplies, climbing gear. Bathing that space in devotion to something better than a wardrobe; in self-love, in Reiki energy. My wardrobe is no longer defining me; I am defining it. Emerging anew, more beautiful than ever before.

Things I've Learned in Colorado ...

...How to shoot an air rifle

...How to drive stick shift (on a big old yellow truck from the seventies!)

...How to drive a tractor

...My favorite tree is an Aspen

...How to do double-team Reiki

...How to sleep under the stars

...How to cruise down a mountain in neutural, when to use 4 wheel drive, and how to downshift so I don't wear out my brakes

...How to use a compass

...How to read a topographical map

...That it's worth paying a little extra for the right equipment

...How to get by without the right equipment

...How to make Douglass Fir tea

...How to give horses vaccinations

...How to play pool. Sort of.

...That I want to learn to play the sitar

...How to play beer pong--Witcher Style

...How to fit six people into a bathtub meant for two

...That doing yoga on the top of a mountain in a bathing suit among a herd of horses with Sam is quite possibly the funnest thing ever

...That Manitou Springs is the best place for people watching and penny arcades

...How to cut a mean mullet

...How not to cook burgers over a campfire

...How to rock climb!

...How to dance to horrible pop R&B songs dressed as an '80s aerobics instructor

...How to play drums, bass, guitar, and to sing, Johnny D's Rock Band style

...That if a trip is going badly, switching to strange accents is a fail-safe trip saver

...How to take my time

...To ride to breakfast

...That Uncle Gary changes some mean brakes

... How to fall in love with a place

...How to fall in love with the sky

...How to fall in love with so many people at once

...To live to my full potential

...How to be more fit than I've been in my life without trying

...How to be goofy for the sake of being goofy

...How to trust the universe

...To apply SPF 30 sunscreen every morning before I step outside, then again at lunch

...How to make face masks and wear a bandana and become a BANDITO and raid the boy's camp for soda and candy

...How to quickly set up a tent before a hailstorm

...How to hobble and hawk a herd of horses

...How to tie a double diamond, boscoe, cavalry knot, trucker's knot, quick release knot, and diamond

...That I will regret it if I forget my knife

...How to pack for a 5-day horse trip

...How to do a "sun dance" that keeps it from raining

...To always tie a slicker to my saddle, even when there's no sign of rain

...How to push cows

...How to round up a herd of horses

...How to teach girls to ride western

...That chaps are AWESOME!

...That all those weird strings and extra components of a western saddle do, in fact, have a useful and specific purpose

...How to fix a barbed wire fence--that doing this can be meditative and healing

...That the feel of a body worn out from a full day of work is the best thing to fall asleep to

...How to cook over a fire

...How to dig out a ditch to collect water for horses to drink from when both the pond and the spring tank are dry

...How to want to play the mountain dulcimer

...That I really don't need to shower as much as I have in the past

...That I love dry heat

...That I can actually love snow, too

...How to hike

...How to live at altitude

...That hot springs are where it's at!

...That Colorado is definitely the place for me

Rock Climbing at Shelf Road

I never thought I'd be into rock climbing because I'm kind of afraid of heights ... but with the expert teaching skills of BC and support from Beth and her visiting sister, Sarah, I climbed for the first time on May 2nd.  It was INTENSE!  And a lot of fun.

BC let me borrow all his gear--shoes and his harness.  

My first attempt freaked me out so I came back down.

Second time's a charm, apparently!

Waving hi from the top!

And HUGE relief back at the bottom!

Just Living the Dream!

How did it go by so fast?

Today starts off the final week of School Weeks here at Sanborn, and I am in awe at how quickly it's gone by. I'm also starting to get a little heartbroken at the friends I've made who are moving on at the end of this week ... It's so rare to have such a concentration of awesome people in one small place. I adore every person I've met so far--every body's got so much to offer the world! I feel so lucky!

A fantastic element of my time here so far is that the majority of people here have been really truly interested in learning about yoga and about Reiki! Maron and Rosie, who head the riding program for summer, have both encouraged me to organize a horseback ride that incorporates yoga. I've offered yoga hikes as recreation activities to the kids here. I practice yoga with other staff members, including Sam who is also really into yoga. My great friend Tracy is Reiki attuned to the same level as I am, and we've "double teamed" a number of our peers by giving them Reiki at the same time as well as trading treatments with each other. So, not only have I been able to talk about my passions, but I've also been able to try my hand at teaching yoga as well as practice giving Reiki on an almost daily basis.

I am fulfilled on so many levels here! The daily hikes with the kids who come up, playing games like I'm ten years old with them, s'mores and popping popcorn over an open fire every night, attempting to cook burgers over a campfire (thank goodness for the boyscout dads who took over after I lost 7 burgers through the grill!), learning about and teaching the geology, wildlife, and plants of the area, more incredible views than I can count ... This is the life.

Last weekend, I traveled with BC, Beth, and her sister through Cripple Creek to Shelf Road. This drive was like being in a fairytale--a meandering creek blanketed in mist with rock cliffs jutting out above and below. We arrived at a campsite then hiked out to rock climbing sites and climbed all day! I'd never rock climbed before, and it was AMAZING. BC was an expert teacher, and we all had a blast. We met up with Sam, Johnny, Brink and Maria and hung out around the campfire before camping in our tents for the night. Next morning was another day of climbing, this time in the warm sunshine.

It's like every day is a dream that comes true. I love it here so much!!!

This is my LIFE ! ! !

I can't believe that this is my life.

Last weekend, we got an extra day off because the snow forecast caused the schools that were here to pick up their kids early and head out on Thursday instead of Friday.  So, on Friday morning (after an incredible Thursday evening dance party and Rock Band sesh at Cook's cabin where Johnny, Eben, Clint and BC live) Nick and I set off in the Expedition through a full-blown snowstorm toward Canon City to spend another weekend at Mom & Dad's retirement log cabin.  The snow was incredible!

After Canon city, we headed up through perhaps the most beautiful drive of my life toward Vail, CO, where Johnny, Pat, Sam, Nick, Eben, Beck, Beth and I split a super sweet condo in East Vail for an evening of drinking, debauchery, and singing Country Road John Denver style on the bus ride into Vail Village (thank you Johnny!). Here's the crew on Sunday morning with the remainder of our supplies after morning Mimosas ... "Yummy ... uh-oh!"

Hanging out at Cooks:

A lovely sunrise:

Who knew that the Sanborn crew were such booger lovers?  Sam, Pat, me and Nick:

Nick is my absolute favorite fire-fighting, ski patrolling super-studly mountain man.  Miss you babe!

On the Cowboys allday: Teller County Sheriff Johnny, Sam and Clint ... yee-haw!

Johnny loves him some beans!

BC and crew dancing the night away!

BC taking a break from his super-mad guitar skills to harmonica.

Ashley and Clint with some soulful tunes.

The Cowboys (and girls), Erin, Johnny, Nick, me and Clint.

I still can't believe this is my life!

Happier than I have ever been.

Living my dreams!

Trailer Trash party in Colorado Springs!

Baby pool filled with ice, beer, and lawn chairs.  Here is Beth with her sharpied-out tooth and Sam in her hott duds.

Tattoos

Jessie and Nick being trashy.

Beth and Pat (the party host with the most)

Oh, so that's what a prego belly is useful for.

Nick and Beth hanging with the broke-down car in the front lawn.

Sam's black eye from a run-in with the po-lice.

Interacting with Nature

I went on a short hike this morning and considered: How do I interact with nature?

I used to just sit in it--perched, really.  I'd tiptoe through and weave around nature, afraid of touching it that I might ruin it.

I feared engagement with nature because I feared wronging it.  I'd forgotten how to interact, so I disengaged, thinking that was safe.

But how does on learn without wronging; how can one learned disengaged?  One cannot.  If one tries, which I have in the past, to live without wronging, one gets ... an anxiety disorder.  Because humans wrong things and one another in order to learn and grow, and a repression of that wrongdoing is a repression of the spirit.

Now I set my spirit free--inviting mistakes, allowing free, unsuppressed learning.  I am set free, chipping off bark from a tree and smelling.  Free to climb over rocks, eroding them with my boot-steps.  Free to sneeze loudly among the birdsongs and to pluck off pine needles for a taste.

Through engagement with nature--physical, hands-on engagement, I invite it into my life, my soul.  In the place where that fear rested just above my solar plexus, an expansive emptiness emerges--ready now, filling up with bird songs and the sound of the wind through the trees and the citrus-bitter-delicious taste of a blue spruce needle.  

The clean mountain air is seeping into my cells, purifying the blackened buildup of fear and uncertainty, transforming my molecules into quartz crystals or something clearer.

I'm watching trees grow, rooting deeply into the earth to allow for expansive ascent--it is my wish to become a tree, bearing fruit with which I might nourish others.  

A grand transformation is occurring here between snow and sun, a pure white light envelops my body. 

I emerge, truer than before.

Staff Week in Colorado!

Hello to everybody from the closure of Staff Week here at Sanborn!

I am in a different world.  Here in Florissant, in the middle of the mountains with a fantastic view of Pike's Peak due east, I'm surrounded by beauty: bright blue skies, clean white snow, oodles of reddish-brown ponderosa pines, more geological majesty than I can wrap my mind around, horses, cows and baby cows, incredible people who are each individually brilliant in an entirely separate way, calmness ...  I love it here!

I am blown away by the level of activity my fellow Staff members engage in.  I'm talking up at 6 shoveling off front porches, a 7am hike, breakfast at 8, work projects and training all day, then a bike ride or rock climb or "bouldering" practice (I learned this today from Erin--it means rock climbing without ropes to a height of up to 20 feet.  We have what I'm calling a Bouldering Barn with climbing walls all around), then dinner and Rock Band (yes, Johnny has the whole system set up in his cabin and we've had a few Rock Band "Shows" so far, swimming in the pool, sauna, playing drums, guitar, singing, weight lifting, skiing, more than I can name ... Last weekend, we were out until four in the morning (playing rock band and hanging out at the pool/hot tub), and then a group got up again at about 6 to go climbing on Shelf Road.  Two of the guys have snow shoed up to the treeline at Pike's Peak already.  There's so much to do and so much enthusiasm from everybody around me it's exhausting!

As for the altitude, I have adjusted pretty well, I think.  Sometimes in the

 mornings I feel a bit of nausea (and no desire to eat, whatsoever), but when I force myself to eat something I'm almost immediately better.  I've been so lucky to meet Sam, my eternal yoga partner who was teacher certified a few years back and is as excited to wake up at 5:30 in the morning to practice yoga as I am.  We've taken turns leading practice, which I value so much for it's an entirely different yoga experience when you're teaching versus when you're following.  They are equally rewarding.

One of my favorite things we've done so far was our "Sunday Rocks" session this afternoon.  We all hike silently across a small meadow and climb up on top of these huge boulders to sit and take in the view (meadows, pine trees, mountains, sky).  After a moment, each person reads off a quote written by someone else from an earlier activity.  The serenity and profundity of some of the quotes is really touching.  Plus you've got the sun warming your body and everyone in a sort of meditative state.  

I also love riding, of course, which I've gotten to do twice since my arrival last Friday.  Thanks to the wonderful Zann, who has shown me the ropes and gotten me a bit more acquainted with the barn.  This aspect is also other-worldly, with catching horses from the pasture, tying them to a hitching post (instead of cross-ties in an aisle of stalls), riding in a western saddle, neck-reining, and really feeling at times a bit clueless as to how to communicate with this stocky animal with a short neck and big rump.  The center of balance is different when I ride, and I'm bouncing around, flailing my legs out to the side (like we do in Saddle Seat) instead of relaxing them around my horse's barrel.  It's quite different.  But fun.  

I was riding Ebony, one of the best horses for little kids, the other day and I

 couldn't figure out how to calm her down.  When she lost sight of Rusty and Zann, she decided it was time to head back to the barn.  She's walking fast, trotting, I'm pulling back, turning her in a circle, pulling back, pulling and pulling and pulling and she takes off (I decide to let her a bit rather than fight too much) toward the other horse.  Great, I'm thinking, The easiest horse on the ranch and I just got run off with.  This is certainly going to be a learning experience.

I experienced the T-Bird on my second night here, the local bar in Florissant.  Clint, another wrangler, Zann, Clint's friend Tim, Sam, Ryan and Ashley all came out after a Mexican dinner in Woodland Park.  As the others trickled

 away, Zann, Clint, Tim and I continued to do what you do at bars along with throwing horse shoes in back and playing pool.  Fun.  

I feel tremendously supported by all the staff here, and hope that I begin to feel more acquainted with how things run so that I can give that back to the others soon!  Tomorrow, our first school arrives for School Weeks and I am nervous and excited.  It should be a really great time.  I look forward to teaching and interacting with kids--I feel sort of selfish, but I believe that it will truly feed me to teach others.  How lucky am I to be in a place where I can share my love of the outdoors and of nature with kids who may rarely get to experience it?!?  Plus, I'm surrounded by peers who have SO much to offer ... this is the life!

Wish me luck as teaching starts tomorrow!  I don't know how often I'll be able to write (certainly not as much as I'd hoped)  We got off early today from work projects and I'm using dear Sam's computer, camped out at the Nature Place.  I love and miss everyone back in Chicago ... you all have made it hard to avoid a bit of homesickness!

Lots of love, 

Jessie

Stable Business

Published in The Beacon News
March 12, 2009

Students at Huntoon Stables Take the Reins and Learn More than Just Riding


Hoofbeats thump the ground as a horse marches past the viewing room window at Huntoon Stables in North Aurora.

In this warm room, photos of riders on high-stepping horses cover the walls.

A young girl sits at the table doing math homework. There is a signup sheet for horse shows and an announcement for a horse camp taped to the window that looks out into the indoor arena.

Melinda Huntoon calls out commands to her riders as they walk, trot, and canter past: "Bump his head up a little. That's it."

Melinda is on her feet for 100 lessons every week, teaching her 60 students how to ride American Saddlebred horses, known as "the peacocks of the show ring." She's been doing this since 1958.

Please read the rest at The Beacon News.

Yoga in the 'Burbs

Published in the Aurora Beacon News
February 26, 2009

Yoga anyone?

What a recent transplant from Chicago and a three-year yoga practitioner discovered about yoga in the 'burbs.

As a transplant from Aurora to Chicago, where there seems to be a yoga studio around every corner, I was worried when I moved to the suburbs.

Where would I go for yoga? What studio could I trust for an authentic yoga experience?

After checking out a few, I was pleasantly surprised. Because of the growing popularity of yoga and the inherent desire in yoga teachers to share its benefits, there are a number of quality yoga studios in the western suburbs. Yoga Among Friends in Downer's Grove, the Vaughn Athletic Center in Auora, Prana Yoga Center in Geneva, and Universal Spirit Yoga in Naperville are pleaces I can confidently recommend and where certified teachers will assist in developing your personal yoga practice.

Read the rest at The Beacon News site.

Transformation at the Midwerst Yoga Retreat

Published in Yoga Chicago Magazine
January/February 2009

Being a first-time retreater in a depressive funk that I hadn’t been able to shake, I was poised to regret spending a hunk of cash I didn’t really have on a yoga retreat. Why pay extra to practice yoga with 30 strangers, when I already pay to practice every day at a studio at home? I’d signed up for Thomas Fortel’s Midwest yoga retreat because a teacher and friend of mine couldn’t say enough good things about it. When we arrived in the small rural town of Selma, Indiana, I hoped the retreat would prove her right.

The unseasonably warm weather and woodsy smell of the crisp incoming fall welcomed the 30 participants and me. We settled into old eclectic farmhouses separated by gardens, trees and fields throughout the Oakwood Retreat Center. It was nice to walk through gardens with only a light jacket as the sun turned the fields orange and dusk came. But I was barely keeping it together. On Friday evening we gathered in the main building, spreading our yoga mats in a circle. Thomas led a restorative yoga practice with lots of bends and twists. I focused my attention on the poses, noticing Thomas’ manner of instruction: energetic and informative, emphasizing the breath, utilizing the Sanskrit and English translations and clarifying the internal skeletal and muscular structures affected by each pose. Avoiding my emotions, I felt refreshed after the practice, but my depression seeped back in shortly.

Dinner was served, all fresh, local, organic vegetarian food that inspired me to become a bit more creative with my own veggie diet. I kept to myself, smiling and nodding to be polite, skeptically absorbing the initial awkward conversation that strangers make when they know they may very well not see each other again after three days.

We met again after dinner. We sat cross-legged in a large circle; Thomas asked that each of us introduce ourselves and explain what brought us to retreat. I nearly rolled my eyes. Great, I thought, I get to tell everybody I’m Jessie and I have an anxiety disorder with depression, plus no motivation to pursue a career even if I knew what career I wanted to pursue. ’Cause that always makes me feel better.

To my surprise, people weren’t just giving a laundry list of their issues. Almost immediately, I felt closer to the people I had considered strangers. Each had something to say that rang true in every other one of us. One woman, a mother and nurse, mentioned rarely ever doing anything for herself. Another, now healthily pregnant, spoke of the difference she felt since the last retreat when she’d just found out she’d miscarried. Many people had been coming to Thomas’ retreat since it started in 1998, and others, like me, were there for the first time. The connection that grew from that circle extended through the rest of the weekend. I felt softened.

After the circle, a woman approached me and asked about my writing. Why would she care? I became defensive; she’s never going to see me again. I told her my writing wasn’t coming easily, and that having graduated last May, I was still clueless as to what I wanted to do with my life. She looked so concerned, showed such empathy, that I nearly started crying. I tried to smile and excused myself to go on a walk alone.

Through the gardens on that warm night, I walked and thought to myself, I used to be that person. I used to care for strangers. My smiles used to be real instead of a cover for confusing emotions. It used to be genuine. What happened to me? I fell asleep wondering if I’d ever get out of my funk.

At seven in the morning, we practiced pranayama and meditation. I was eager to relax into it, as I’d never had a positive experience in prolonged meditation before. Thomas’ words, guiding us to maintain a “single pointed focus,” proved to be the key. After sitting still for so long, bringing my drifting awareness back to the breath again and again, I promised myself I’d practice meditation every day from then on. I didn’t realize it then, but it was a step in taking control of the direction of my life again.

Breakfast was delicious, followed by an active asana practice. During the postures, I felt a drawing inward of my focus, as well as an expansive awareness of the others in the room. The “Group Field,” as Thomas called it, had a strong, uplifting energy.

Another interaction with the same woman from the night before truly broke through to me. How could someone I’d never met before know what I needed to hear? After a casual mention of a relationship I was struggling with back home, the words she said made me realize that it needed to end. What my friends had been saying for months, what I had been secretly thinking in the back of my mind, was it that obvious? I could no longer hold it in. I didn’t care that there were other people lingering in the room after dinner, I didn’t care that I became red-faced and weak in public. She took me into her arms and I sobbed.

During the next morning’s asana practice, coming out of shoulder stand, I lay on my back in a pain I’d never fully felt before, and tears came again. The need to let go of what no longer served me and the need to take responsibility for my future were painful, but my asana practice helped to seal my realizations.

Now home from my first retreat, I’ve taken the lessons I learned in that short weekend and applied them to my life. The genuine warmth of a group of strangers helped me to see myself for whom I’d become—and for my potential. In creating a safe place for expression, Thomas taught me that the yoga practice extends beyond the mat, and can be a great catalyst for positive change. I ended the destructive relationship. My practice has deepened. I meditate daily on what direction I will pursue, and have taken action. Sometimes, I learned, the best advice can come from a stranger.


The next Midwest yoga retreat with Thomas Fortel will be held on April 17-19 at the Oakwood Retreat Center in Selma, Indiana. Contact Andreas Weinrich, aweinrich@sbcglobal.net or 812.322.6433 for information.

The Year in Review

Looking back at 2008 I am flabbergasted that I made it through. College graduation, a breakup, Reiki attunement, moving home, a yoga retreat, my first real "adult" months, financial woes, my personal yoga practice, depression and anxiety … last year was probably the most tumultuous, most roller coaster-esque year of my life thus far. Now, in the first year of January 2009, I feel victorious, like I’ve climbed Pike’s Peak (which I have never done but certainly will do in 2009) and have reached the top!

I finished my final semester of college at Columbia in Chicago, graduating with honors and a Bachelor’s of Fine Arts Degree in Fiction Writing. It’s funny that my major says Fiction when my real specialty and preference is writing nonfiction. I stayed a whole additional year in school to add that extra word “Bachelor of Fine Arts” to the title on my degree. If I’m being honest with myself, I know my decision to go into student loan debt was truly because I wasn’t quite ready to face the “real” world after four years of college.

Turns out, I wasn’t quite ready to face the “real” world after five years, either. I got a post-graduation job at a local, independent bookstore called The Book Cellar (which I ADORE with all my heart!) in May. The plan was to work as a freelance writer on the side and sell books for forty hours a week while I built my portfolio and became a famous, well-known writer. I was still living in Chicago in an apartment with my roommate, riding my bike to and from the Book Cellar every day, enjoying days sunning at the lakefront beach, going on adventures to new restaurants with friends, and avoiding the pursuit of freelance writing work when I learned from my school that I, in fact, still owed Columbia a huge chunk of money and was being reported to a collections agency. Yikes! After much stress, worry, and taking on yet another student loan, I re-worked my finances and did what I swore I’d never do again: I moved home.

Back to Aurora with Mom and Dad (Lexi swapped places with me—she is currently in her first year as a Political Science major at UIC. Katie is finishing her Equestrian Business degree in Kentucky.). I was determined to make this into an opportunity rather than a burden: I’d have time to search for jobs, time to really take my yoga practice seriously (I’d planned to become yoga teacher certified starting in the fall but that fell through when my finances couldn’t support me), the chance to build up my savings and start repaying my loans, time to write bunches of articles, and the chance investigate what I really wanted to do with my life.

That became a really big problem: what to do with my life? I started to realize that I didn’t fancy a fulltime writing job. I got stir crazy and thought about teaching English in Korea like my good friend Kim Craig had, or going into the Peace Corps. The wide-open world of possibilities paralyzed (and depressed) me for quite awhile.

Until I went on vacation in Colorado with my parents and we visited Sanborn Western Camps. I’d been toying with the idea of becoming a horse camp counselor since I’d learned about the job, and I’d been dreaming about moving “Out West” ever since I did my AmeriCorps summer in the Lake Tahoe Basin. Visiting the facility, I suddenly saw with crystal clarity what I wanted to do with my life. Or at least what direction I wanted to go in: I had to go West.

The idea of teaching kids about horseback riding, natural history, hiking, mountain climbing, rafting, kayaking, swimming, crafting ... the idea of living in the out-of-doors on a 3,000 acre facility with unlimited possibilities for wilderness adventure ... sounds perfect!

As soon as I made the decision to GO FOR IT (which was really difficult, as I had so many negative ideas like "what did you get a writing degree for if you're not going to be a writer?" and "that's not a REAL job"), I felt hundreds of pounds lighter. I was genuinely happy, a sensation I hadn't felt in longer than I could remember. It was as though my actions came in line with my desires, finally.

It feels like a Great Return. Returning to the West, returning to a simple, rustic lifestyle, returning to nature, to horses, to my true Self, to what I call "the Natural State of Existence." I am SO joyful and motivated and happy--so far from where I had been before. Trusting myself and following my gut, I embark into 2009 with an attitude of possibility and excitement.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!